It doesn't seem that long ago that prizes that came with boxes of cereal were actually of some value. Do you know what the prize used to be in a box of Ghost Buster Cereal back in '88? A blowjob. One time my brother won a 1999 Chevy Lumina in a box of cracker Jacks... and that was in 1994. I remember when my grandmother was dying of lung cancer she opened a box of Frosted Mini-Wheats and found a prosthetic leg. She was hoping for a new lung and she ended up dying, but we sold that leg on E-bay and used the money to buy her a beautiful tomb stone.

Now-a-days the prizes in cereal range from a piece of shit sticker, a piece of shit temporary tattoo, to an actual piece of shit.



Sometimes they wont even include a prize and they'll just give you some bullshit to cut out of the packaging and play with. So when you sit down to eat your cereal not only do you need a spoon, but now you need a box cutter as well. And who the fuck wants to go through the trouble of cutting out some pointless cardboard bullshit when you could be using a decoder ring, or some other cool gadget, to find traces of semen on you mothers pillow case? Thats the way cereal prizes were meant to be used.

And why stop at cereal? I propose that prizes should also be included in gallons of milk, bags of suger, and packages of ground beef. And not just those rusty razor blades that they've been giving out lately. I'm talking some real quality prizes. Imagine this: You're about to have dessert and you rip open a bag of marshmallows. Resting on top of the billowy white mound is a brand new NigGa-melta' PNX-40611 Ignition Coil Flame-Thrower!!!!" S'mores anyone???

To make up for the added cost, sneaker manufacturers could force the Mexicans in the sweatshop to work overtime making cereal for extra pay $$$. I think "Time-and-an-eighth" sounds fare. We could even let them endorse their own brand as an extra incentive.


And while we're on the subject of cereal... Why haven't they found a way to insert bits of meat in addition to the marshmallows. They could call them Bacon Bits. I'm a fucking genius. And how come nobody's exploited the correlation between the terms "killer cereal" and "serial killer"? Manson Flakes anyone? Hannibal Lecter Loops? These brands are guaranteed to make a killing? (I crack me up)